How to Stop Overreacting in Your Marriage
The way that many of us can go from being completely calm to being off the charts reactive in about 2.5 seconds flat is a sight to behold. And after being in this marriage game for over 3 decades, I've discovered seven game-changing, Bible-based truths about breaking free from reactive patterns that I think will be helpful for you.
The Bible tells us in Proverbs 15:1 that "A soft answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger” (NKJV). Isn't it amazing how God's Word applies to our marriage struggles? And how many of us KNOW this to be true, yet we’ve still responded to our spouse with harsh words instead of a soft answer?
I know I’ve done this more times than I'd like to admit.
So, going with the whole not speaking harshly thing, the first truth I've learned is that our immediate reactions rarely serve our marriages well. Let me tell you about a story I read about on social media.
A wife happened to see that her husband had “liked” some social media posts that another woman, who was a baker, posted about pastries and other items that she had baked. The wife did not know the baker.
The wife proceeds to contact the baker privately and berated her, accusing the baker of trying to steal her husband by luring him to her with her baking skills. The baker posted these private messages on her public social media page, tagged both the wife and the husband, and then told the husband that she was cancelling the order he had placed with her for a surprise custom birthday cake for his wife!
Needless to say, both the husband and the wife were embarrassed about the wife’s behavior, and apologized profusely to the baker. They asked her to please reconsider making the cake for the wife, but of course she maintained her refusal to bake the cake.
Which leads me to my second revelation: our assumptions about our spouse's motives can often be completely wrong. How much stress and strife could’ve been avoided with the cake situation if the wife and just asked her husband what was going on?
Instead, the wife made very incorrect assumptions about what she THOUGHT was going on, which led to a very public, unnecessary blow-up.
The third truth hit me right between the eyes one day while I was irritated about how my husband loaded the dishwasher (of all things!). I said honey, can you please turn the bowls this way? And then I said can you please put the larger pots on the bottom rack?
After my last “question,” my husband calmly stopped loading the dishwasher, slowly turned to me and told me that I can load the dishes myself. Then he proceeded to leave the kitchen. I realized I was trying to control things that really didn't matter.
What I SHOULD have done was to simply thank my husband for loading the dishwasher and left the kitchen, and then dealt with any half-washed dishes after our not-so-great dishwasher finished doing its thing. Now I understand that I can only control my own responses; I cannot control another adult.
I also understand that LOTS of things are better left unsaid. I can choose to be grateful that I have a husband who is willing to help with the dishes, instead of micromanaging how he loads the dishwasher.
When I feel that urge to "fix" everything, I remind myself that God is in control, NOT me.
And speaking of control, my fourth discovery was about stress management. I’ve noticed that when I'm stressed about work or family stuff, I am less likely to control my emotions as I know that I can and should, and I'm way more likely to snap at my husband about something silly like leaving his socks on the floor.
Finding healthy ways to manage stress makes a huge difference. For me, that means regular prayer time and sometimes just sitting quietly listening to some good music.
The fifth truth transformed how we handle conflicts. There was a brief period in our marriage where we barely spoke to each other except about necessary things like who was going to pick up dinner. Looking back now, we just shake our heads thinking about how silly and immature we both were.
We wasted all that time being angry when we could have been enjoying our life together. Remember what James 1:19 tells us: "Let every person be quick to hear, slow to speak, slow to anger” (ESV). When you feel tempers beginning to flare, pause, take a deep breath and count to ten.
Then, think before you speak, and make sure what you’re going to say will add value to the conversation. Learn how to handle conflict quickly and calmly, which is what mature, well-adjusted adults do.
My sixth realization was about the power of honest communication. Instead of expecting your spouse to read your mind, which is never going to happen, just tell them what you need. I used to get upset when my husband didn't notice I was overwhelmed with something around the house. Now I just say, “Hey, can you please help me with ___?” It's amazing how simply stating our needs can prevent so many reactive moments.
The seventh and perhaps most important truth that I’ve learned is that sometimes we need help from others. There's no shame in that. My husband and I have been to marriage conferences, attended marriage counseling together and have read very helpful books together, in addition to praying together.
All of those experiences helped us learn to communicate better, understand one another better, and appreciate each other more deeply.
When you start applying these truths and responding appropriately to your spouse instead of overreacting, your whole marriage can change. It's not always easy, and there will be times when one or both of you may overreact unnecessarily.
But with God's help and a commitment to doing better, we can create marriages that reflect His love.
Remember, marriage is a journey, not a destination. Some days you'll handle things SO well, and other days, not so much. The important thing is to keep making improvements in how you communicate, keep praying, and keep choosing to love each other, even when it's hard.
Have you noticed patterns of reactivity in your own marriage? What triggers do you need to watch out for? Start paying attention to those moments when you overreact instead of respond appropriately – you might be surprised by what you learn about yourself in the process.
