Part 3 of 3: Three Core Principles For A Successful Marriage
This is the final installment of our discussion about the three core principles for a successful marriage.
This will be the longest installment, because it is what most people focus on in life.
Everyone wants to know how they can “have it all.”
We are wired with the desire to have more.
But, there is a process that has to be followed in order to have what God wants us to have.
Before we go further, in case you haven’t read the previous installments, here are links to Part 1, Three Core Principles For A Successful Marriage and Part 2: Three Core Principles For A Successful Marriage .
In parts one and two of this series, we explored the Biblical framework for a God-honoring marriage through the core principles of Be, Do, and Have, as outlined in Genesis 1:28.
We discussed how the first principle—"being"—requires us to become the people that God wants us to be through the sanctification process, using our God-given creativity and aligning our will with His will through daily prayer and by seeking His wisdom.
We then explored the second principle—"doing"—where we discussed how God calls us to actively work at our marriages, just as He commanded us to fill the earth and subdue it.
Marriage requires intentional effort to bring order from chaos, and to prevent destructive patterns from taking root.
Now we come to the final principle: the Biblical concept of "have(having)."
What Does It Mean to "Have" from a Biblical Perspective?
When most people think about what they want to "have" in marriage, they typically focus on their own desires, which include, but are not limited to: happiness, fulfillment, security, romance, or the perfect spouse who meets all of their needs.
But the Biblical concept of having is VERY different from what most people think about.
In Genesis 1:28, after God tells us to be fruitful and to fill and subdue the earth, the result of being fruitful and filling and subduing the earth is that we "have" dominion.
But notice this —having is a CONSEQUENCE of being and doing God’s way.
Having is NOT the primary goal.
It’s interesting to note that the Hebrew meaning for the word 'have' is so different from how we usually think about ownership.
Instead of it meaning that we get to grab onto something and make it our own, it's more like we’re being trusted with something precious.
Imagine God handing you something valuable and saying, 'I'm putting this in your care - use it in a way that brings me glory.'
That is the core of the Biblical concept of 'having' - we are caretakers, not owners.
Having a Marriage That Reflects God's Character
When you've become who God wants you to be, and you're doing the work He's called you to do, you will begin to have the marriage that brings Him glory.
This isn't the marriage that you initially dreamed of.
It is so much better than anything you could have imagined, because it's designed by the One who created the covenant of marriage itself.
When you approach marriage with the right heart and live it out to the best of your ability, something beautiful happens - your relationship becomes a real-life testimony about God's truth and power.
People can actually see what God is like through how you love and serve each other.
You will show the world:
A picture of Christ and the church - Ephesians 5:31-32 reminds us that marriage is a profound mystery that represents Christ's relationship with the church. When both spouses are sanctified and doing the Lord's work, their marriage becomes a reflection of this God-ordained love story.
A partnership in ministry - Rather than two people focused on getting their individual needs met, marriage creates a new relationship in which two people are joined together in their shared purpose, using their combined creativity and efforts to advance God's kingdom together.
Shelter in tough times - Because your foundation is built on God's principles rather than constantly changing emotions or circumstances, you have a marriage that can weather the inevitable challenges that come in this fallen world.
When 'Having' Means the Opposite of What You Think
There is what some might consider to be a contradiction within the Biblical concept of having: the moment that you stop grasping for whatever you thought you wanted to have, and instead focus on being and doing what God wants, you actually end up having MORE than you ever imagined possible.
Jesus taught this principle in Matthew 6:33: "But seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well" (NIV).
When couples try to create the marriage they think they want, they often end up frustrated and disappointed.
But when they surrender their expectations, and trust God's process of be-do-have, they discover that God's plans for their marriage are "exceedingly abundantly above all that we ask or think" (Ephesians 3:20, NKJV).
Having Requires Releasing
True Biblical ‘having’ often requires releasing our death grip on whatever it is that we think we need.
Abraham had to be willing to release Isaac, as discussed in Genesis 22:1-19.
Mary had to release her own plans so that she could accept God's purpose for her life, as it is so vividly described in Luke 1:26-38.
And we must release our preconceived ideas of what our marriage should look like.
This doesn't mean becoming passive or lowering your standards.
It means actively surrendering our will to God's will, trusting that His design for our marriage is better than anything we could possibly come up with ourselves.
The Fruit of Proper Having
When you have a marriage built on God's principles, you will begin to bear fruit that extends far beyond your household. You will have:
~ A testimony that attracts other people to Christ
~ Children (biological or spiritual) who see what Godly love looks like
~ A legacy that impacts generations
~ Peace that surpasses understanding, even in difficult seasons
~ Joy that comes from fulfilling your God-given purpose together
The Order Cannot Be Reversed
Remember, you cannot skip to having without first being and doing.
Many marriages struggle, unnecessarily, because couples try to have the benefits of a Godly marriage without doing the work of becoming Godly people and following God's principles for relationships.
The enemy wants to convince you that you can have a great marriage by focusing on what you can get from your spouse.
But God's design is that you will have a great marriage by focusing on who you're becoming, and what you're contributing according to His will.
Your Having Is God's Glory
Ultimately, when you have the marriage that God has designed for you—a marriage that reflects His character, advances His kingdom, and demonstrates His love to the world—you are not having it for your own glory.
You're having it for His glory.
And that's when you will discover that having something for God's glory is far more satisfying than having anything for your own glory could ever be.
The three core principles of be, do, and have work together as God's perfect design for marriage.
When you embrace this biblical framework and trust His process, you'll have the marriage that not only brings you joy and fulfillment, but also brings glory to the One who created marriage.
Trust the process.
God's timing is perfect, His plans are good, and His design for your marriage is more beautiful than you could ever imagine.
Reply to this email, and let me know what you thought marriage was going to be like when you first got married, compared to how your marriage has grown and changed over the years. I would love to know your thoughts about the whole experience of marriage.
Until next time,
Alicia
