Part 3 of 6: Creating and Sustaining Biblical Joy In Marriage
Last week, we talked about the difference between chasing happiness and cultivating joy.
We discovered that while happiness depends on circumstances, joy flows from our connection with God and remains steady even when life gets messy.
Here is a link to last week's newsletter in case you missed it: Part 2 of 6: The Foundation Of Joy.
I like the word cultivate when discussing how to create a marriage worth fighting for, because it reminds me of all of the references to gardening that are contained in the bible.
Beginning in the Book of Genesis, the bible discusses how God placed Adam and Eve in The Garden of Eden, and their job was to cultivate the garden.
It's important to remember that marriages need to be cultivated, too, just like gardens.
They need to be tended to, and they need to have proper soil, which comes from the word of God.
And weeds need to be removed from marriages continuously.
If you don't cultivate, or tend to your marriage DAILY, you will quickly realize that the weeds of comparison, apathy, and mediocrity, just to name a few, have taken over your marriage garden.
Once weeds take over your marriage garden, it becomes harder and harder to get rid of the weeds and get back to a marriage that honors God.
This is where this week's topic comes in: How do we actually pursue joy over happiness, and live out our faith in the day to day hustle and bustle of life?
Well, Joy isn't something that just happens to us—it's something that we have to intentionally pursue through small, consistent daily choices.
Just like a gardener tends to their plants with regular watering and care, we also need to tend to our joy through practical, everyday habits.
And after 31 years of marriage, I've learned that joy grows best in the soil of intentional daily practices.
These daily practices should be simple, repeatable actions that keep our hearts connected to God and grounded in His truth.
I decided to switch up the order of the topics we're discussing in this series.
In this week's newsletter, we will discuss specific, doable daily habits that can transform your relationship.
These habits aren't complicated or time consuming.
They are simple practices that any couple can implement, regardless of what season you're walking through.
Later in the newsletter, we will talk about how to look for joy even if you're in a very difficult season in your marriage.
But first, we need to discuss what you can do to find joy in a regular, normal day in your life.
Morning Foundations: Starting the Day with Joy
I hate to admit it, but it took me many years to figure out that how you begin your day really sets the tone for how the rest of the day will go.
I used to wake up and begin doing "stuff" on my phone - checking text messages, checking email, scrolling on social media.
Then I realized that two things were happening: The first was that I was spending way more time than I had planned to on my phone while still laying in bed, so I wasn't moving my body as quickly as I should have been after waking up.
And the second thing I realized was that I was letting something and someone else set the tone for my day.
Once I realized that how I was starting my day wasn't really the best use of my time, and also began reading books and articles which reinforced the importance of being intentional about how we start our mornings, I began to implement what I'm calling Morning Foundations.
I started beginning my day by reading God's word instead of checking my phone.
I became intentional about growing my relationship with Christ, which meant that I had to spend more time with Him. And I had to think more about Godly things than what was happening around me.
The book of Romans reminds us of how important it is to control what we think about.
In Romans 12:2, the bible says "Do not conform to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Then you will be able to test and approve what God's will is - his good, pleasing and perfect will" (NIV).
The Lord is literally telling us to NOT do what everyone else is doing.
And almost everyone checks their phone as soon as they wake up.
I'm old enough to remember a time before there were cell phones and computers everywhere.
I also didn't grow up with a TV in my bedroom.
Well, there was a TV in the room that I shared with my sister, but it never worked. So we basically didn't have a TV in our room.
But being able to remember a time before electronics took over the world has helped me understand the importance of the words written in Romans 12:2.
We MUST be intentional about programming our minds with God's word instead of allowing all of the crazy, depraved words of society to determine how we act and think on a daily basis.
Now, back to the practical tips.
Before I even sit up in bed, I've made it a habit to thank God for three specific things.
Sometimes it's as basic as "Thank you for a warm bed; thank you for another day, and thank you for the man sleeping beside me."
Other mornings, I might be more elaborate in my expressions of thankfulness.
It just depends on my mood that day.
Psalm 118:24 reminds us that "This is the day the Lord has made; we will rejoice and be glad in it" (NLT).
Notice that it doesn't say "We will rejoice only if everything goes according to my plan."
This is something that we can believe regardless of what happened yesterday or what today might bring.
Starting with gratitude rewires our brains.
Instead of immediately focusing on what's wrong or what needs to be fixed, we can train ourselves to notice what's already good and right.
And this shift in what we focus on affects how we see our spouse from the beginning of each day.
Reading The Bible Together, Even Only For A Few Minutes
Now I know that every couple may not be in a season where morning devotions are realistic.
Maybe you have little ones who wake up at the crack of dawn, or your work schedules are completely opposite.
Life happens.
BUT, spending time together in God's word doesn't have to be complicated or lengthy.
Sometimes you may only have time to read one verse together while getting dressed or having that first cup of coffee.
Or you can send Bible verses to each other to read on your phones.
Or you can share something that you read in your own quiet time.
The goal isn't to have a perfect devotional experience.
The goal is to invite God's word into our morning routines, and to remind us that we're not navigating this day—or this marriage—alone.
Deuteronomy 8:3 tells us that "man does not live on bread alone but on every word that comes from the mouth of the Lord" (NIV).
Our marriages need that spiritual nourishment just as much as our individual hearts need it, too.
Setting an Intention for Joy Rather Than Happiness
Over time, I've learned to consciously set my intention to look for joy each morning.
This isn't about forcing positivity or pretending that everything is perfect.
It's about reminding myself where my strength and peace actually come from.
Understanding where our true strength and joy come from is discussed in Nehemiah 8:10, which tells us that "the joy of the Lord is your strength" (NIV).
When we start our day by remembering this truth, we are much less likely to be thrown off our game by the inevitable bumps and frustrations that come our way.
I'm not at all saying that these morning foundations will make every day perfect or eliminate all conflict from your marriage.
However, they create a completely different foundation that you can build upon.
Instead of starting from a place of stress or reactivity, you're starting from a place of gratitude, connection with God, and intentional love for your spouse.
These practices create a ripple effect that influences how we respond to challenges throughout the entire day.
When you've already chosen gratitude and joy before breakfast, it becomes much easier to choose them again when your spouse does something thats annoying.
Try just one of these practices this week.
See what happens when you start your day by intentionally cultivating joy instead of just hoping that happiness will find you.
All Day Daily Practices: Sustaining Joy in Real Life
So we've talked about starting the day with intention.
But the reality is that life has a way of testing us at the WORST time, doesn't it?
By 9 AM, the kids are arguing, someone forgot to start the dishwasher, or the dog just tracked mud all over the carpet.
Suddenly, all those morning good intentions have gone right out of the window.
This is where we have to put on our big girl and big boy pants.
Joy isn't just a nice idea that we think about during our quiet time.
It's something that we have to actively choose throughout the messy, unpredictable hours of everyday life.
The "Three Good Things" Habit
Somewhere during the middle of each day—maybe during lunch or while you're folding laundry—here is something to consider doing.
Purposely think about three specific things that you appreciate about your spouse from that day.
Not general things like "he's a good provider," or "she's a good cook."
But specific things.
Maybe it's how he said goodbye that morning, or how she listened when you were venting.
Why is it important to make yourself think about things that you appreciate about your spouse?
Because our minds naturally gravitate toward what's wrong or what needs to be fixed.
Thankfully, Philippians 4:8 gives us different, better instructions. It says: "Finally, brothers and sisters, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable—if anything is excellent or praiseworthy—think about such things" (NIV).
When I make it a point to look for things that I admire about my husband during a routine, mundane day, I start to see him in a whole new light.
Instead of focusing on the socks he left on the bedroom floor, I'm remembering how he made me laugh earlier in the day.
This change in the way that you look at your spouse may not seem like a big deal.
But, over time, this small habit can can have a HUGE, positive impact on your marriage.
Choosing Gratitude in Frustrating Moments
When plans get derailed, we have a choice.
We can either let irritation control how we feel, or we can look for something to be grateful for in the situation.
First Thessalonians 5:18 tells us to "give thanks in all circumstances; for this is God's will for you in Christ Jesus"(NIV).
This is NOT about pretending that frustration doesn't exist or forcing fake positivity.
It's about training ourselves to look for God's hand over your life even in those moments that don't go according to your plans.
Speaking Life Throughout the Day
I'm still a work in progress when it comes to saying positive things out loud.
I am getting better at offering words of encouragement throughout the day, towards my husband, even about small things.
When he loads the dishwasher, I say "Thank you for taking care of that."
When he handles a difficult situation with patience, I tell him I'm grateful for how he handled it.
Proverbs 16:24 reminds us that "gracious words are a honeycomb, sweet to the soul and healing to the bones" (NIV).
When we make it a habit to speak life, or positivity, and encouragement throughout the day, we're creating an atmosphere where joy can flourish.
I have seen comments under social media posts where some spouses have said that their spouse "doesn't deserve" encouraging words.
If you feel this way, I would like to encourage you to love your spouse as Christ loves us.
Christ's love for us is unconditional.
He loves us in spite of our MANY flaws and DAILY mistakes.
Practice loving your spouse in the same way.
Love them IN SPITE of the things they do. Love them because they are a child of God, just like you.
Love them unconditionally.
This may take a lot of practice, but you don't have to work through this alone.
Remember the words that God has given us, noted previously from 1 Thessalonians 5:18 and Proverbs 16:24.
Also remember that this is a marathon, and not a sprint.
Remembering God's Faithfulness During Daily Stresses
When life throws us curveballs, I've learned to pause and remind myself of God's faithfulness.
I think back to many of the challenging seasons we've gotten through, and remember how God provided for us and sustained us.
Lamentations 3:22-23 has become one of my favorite bible verses: "Because of the Lord's great love we are not consumed, for his compassions never fail. They are new every morning; great is your faithfulness" (NIV).
These daily practices will help you create moments where you're actively choosing joy over frustration, gratitude over complaint, and faith over worry.
And over time, these small choices will add up to create a completely different atmosphere in your marriage.
Ending The Day Well, Together
How we end our day together is just as important as how we start it.
By the evening, we've accumulated a whole day's worth of interactions, frustrations, and small hurts that can either get resolved or get carried over into tomorrow.
Sharing God's Faithfulness From the Day
Before going to bed, try to share one way that you noticed God's faithfulness from earlier in the day.
Sometimes it'll be something big. But more often than not, it will be small things.
Like a moment of unexpected patience, or a kind text when we needed encouragement, or simply being happy about making it through a challenging day.
Psalm 92:2 says it's good "to proclaim your love in the morning and your faithfulness at night" (NIV).
When we acknowledge God's faithfulness each evening, we are training our hearts to see His grace and mercy in the ordinary moments.
Expressing Specific Appreciation
Another good practice to implement is to end each day by telling your spouse one specific thing that you appreciate about them.
Ephesians 4:29 reminds us to speak words that are "helpful for building others up" (NIV).
After a long day when you're both worn out, choosing appreciation over criticism will create a completely different feeling in your marriage.
Releasing the Day's Disappointments
Most days are going to include at least one moment of disappointment or frustration.
I've learned to bring these to God before I go to sleep rather than letting them weigh heavy on my mind overnight.
Sometimes I pray quietly on my own.
In other times, though, if it needs to be addressed, Michael and I will talk it through together.
Psalm 4:4 gives us these words of wisdom to remember: "When you are on your beds, search your hearts and be silent"(NIV).
Instead of letting our hearts get bitter, we can use those quiet moments before we go to sleep to search our hearts and release what needs to be released.
And by releasing what needs to be released, I mean to ask the Lord in prayer to take those burdens off of you, and then leave the burdens with Him.
Don't try to pick them back up in the morning.
Choosing Forgiveness Over Score-Keeping
Before I close my eyes each night, I make a conscious choice to forgive any small hurts from that day.
I do NOT sweep serious issues under the rug, but I DO focus on letting go of little things that could turn into resentment.
Ephesians 4:26 warns us to "not let the sun go down while you are still angry" (NIV).
When we choose forgiveness every evening, we're starting fresh the next morning instead of carrying grudges into tomorrow.
When Joy Feels Impossible: Habits for Hard Seasons
Let's talk about those seasons when all of the positive thinking and speaking strategies I've shared so far feel like something that you have no interest in pursuing.
During these tough times, trying to manufacture joy can not only feel difficult, but it can feel almost insulting towards the real pain you're experiencing in those moments.
Holding Onto Truth When Feelings Fail
During those hard seasons, it will be very helpful to learn the difference between acting on your feelings and acting on what you know to be true.
You know that God has called you into your marriage, just like I knew this to be true.
I knew my husband was a good man even during those times when I couldn't feel it.
I knew God was faithful, even when everything felt broken. So I started making choices based on truth instead of emotions.
Jeremiah 17:9 reminds us that "the heart is deceitful above all things and beyond cure" (NIV).
Our feelings, especially during difficult times, aren't always reliable.
But God's truth is unchanging, and we can know this to be true especially when everything else feels unstable.
The bible tells us that Jesus is the way, the truth and the life, as it is written in John 14:6.
During those dark moments, speak the truth out loud especially when your feelings contradict what you know to be true.
Confess to the Lord that you don't feel close to your spouse during the tough times, but you know that this season is temporary, and that the Lord will help you work through it, as He always does.
This isn't about pretending to feel something that you don't really feel.
It's about choosing obedience over emotion.
Taking Joy One Day at a Time
When the idea of feeling joyful for the rest of your marriage seems overwhelming, stop thinking that far ahead.
Just focus on today.
Can you choose to do one small act of kindness today?
Can you speak one word of encouragement today?
Can you choose forgiveness for today's hurts rather than adding them to your running list of grievances?
Yes, you CAN do ALL of those things, through Christ who gives you strength, as it is written in Philippians 4:13.
Matthew 6:34 tells us not to worry about tomorrow because "each day has enough trouble of its own" (NIV).
This same principle applies to rebuilding joy in marriage.
We don't have to figure out how to feel joyful for the next thirty years.
We just have to choose it for today.
Pray this simple prayer during the tough seasons: "God, help me be kind to my spouse today. Help me see him/her through your eyes today. Help me trust you with our marriage today."
Small prayers, small choices, one day at a time.
Finding Community Support
Ecclesiastes 4:12 says that "a cord of three strands is not quickly broken" (NIV).
Sometimes that third strand isn't just God, but also someone within the community of believers that He's placed around us.
We weren't meant to walk through hard seasons alone.
Reach out to someone at church, or your place of worship, for help if you know that they have a solid marriage.
Or contact mature, married family members or friends that you can trust to provide you with proper, Godly advice, to help remind you to always pursue joy in your marriage, even in the difficult times.
Remembering Past Faithfulness
When everything feels hopeless, make yourself remember those times when God showed up in your marriage in the past.
Psalm 77:11-12 says, "I will remember the deeds of the Lord; yes, I will remember your miracles of long ago. I will consider all your works and meditate on all your mighty deeds" (NIV).
Sometimes our faith for today comes from remembering God's faithfulness from yesterday.
Keep a small notebook with you, so that you can jot down specific ways that you've seen God work in your marriage over the years.
During the hard seasons, you'll be able to flip through those pages and remind yourself that the same God who helped you then is the same God that is still with you now.
These hard seasons often become the foundation for deeper joy later on.
Not because the pain was fun or easy, but because walking through difficulty together, and seeing God's faithfulness in the midst of it, creates a kind of unshakeable trust and joy that temporary happiness simply cannot match.
If you're in a hard season right now, please don't give up.
Take it one day at a time.
Hold onto truth when feelings fail, and remember that God is still at work even when you can't see it.
Your Personalized Joy Plan: Making It Stick
All of these joy building habits that we've discussed won't work if you try to implement them all at once.
If you did try to do everything at once, you would very likely feel overwhelmed and be tempted to completely give up.
Start Small and Build Gradually
The key to lasting change is to choose just two or three habits that feel doable in your current season of life.
Maybe you're in a phase with young children where morning quiet time feels impossible, but you could easily share one thing you're grateful for while you're making dinner together, or getting the kids ready for bed.
Or perhaps you're empty nesters who could commit to drinking your morning coffee or tea together, and sharing one Bible verse during that time.
Proverbs 21:5 reminds us that "the plans of the diligent lead to profit as surely as haste leads to poverty" (NIV).
Slow and steady wins the race when it comes to building lasting joy in marriage.
It's better to consistently practice one or two simple habits than to sporadically attempt ten complicated habits.
Start by looking at your typical day and asking, "Where do we already have natural connection points?"
Build on those moments rather than trying to create entirely new routines from scratch.
Keep it simple.
Create Accountability That Actually Works
I've found that accountability works best when it's gentle and encouraging rather than critical or demanding.
The goal isn't perfection - it's progress.
Some weeks you will get it right almost every day. And other weeks you will forget completely.
And that's okay.
You're building habits for a lifetime, not competing for a weekly prize.
First Corinthians 10:24 says, "No one should seek their own good, but the good of others" (NIV).
When we're encouraging each other in these practices where we are actively seeking joy, we're looking out for each other's spiritual and emotional wellbeing, not keeping score.
Adjusting to Your Unique Season
Your joy plan will look different compared to someone else's joy plan, depending on where you are in life.
New parents might focus on tiny moments of gratitude throughout sleep deprived days.
Couples dealing with financial stress might emphasize remembering God's past faithfulness.
Empty nesters might have more capacity for extended morning devotions together.
Ecclesiastes 3:1 tells us that "There is a time for everything, and a season for every activity under the heavens" (NIV).
Your joy practices should fit your season, not fight against it.
Don't even think about following someone else's formula.
Your focus should be on consistently choosing joy in whatever way works for your marriage right now.
Building on Success Rather Than Focusing on Failure
When you do manage to practice gratitude consistently for a week, or when you successfully choose encouragement over criticism during a stressful day, celebrate that!
Let it motivate you to keep going rather than immediately raising the bar higher.
God celebrates our small steps of faithfulness.
Luke 16:10 reminds us that "Whoever can be trusted with very little can also be trusted with much" (NIV).
Each time you choose joy over frustration, gratitude over complaints, or encouragement over criticism, you're building your spiritual muscle that will serve your marriage very well for many years to come.
The compound effect from these small, consistent choices is nothing short of remarkable.
You won't notice dramatic changes overnight, but six months from now, you'll look back and realize that something significant has shifted in how you approach your marriage.
The atmosphere will feel different.
Your default responses will be kinder.
Your capacity for weathering storms together will be stronger.
And remember, this isn't about earning God's love or proving that you're a good spouse.
It's about creating space for the joy that God wants to cultivate in your marriage.
You're simply removing the weeds and watering the soil so that what He's already planted can grow.
What simple habits can you implement today to give you a quick win in your journey, looking for joy in the mundane-ness of daily life?
I'd love to hear what is working for you, and what you've discovered during this process of purposely looking for joy.
Next week, we will discuss what it looks like in real life to be stuck in the happiness trap while dealing with the storms of life.
Until next time,
Alicia
