Part 4 of 6: Finding Joy When Marriage Feels Difficult
Last week, we discussed how to create and sustain biblical joy in marriage; how simple habits repeated everyday can have a huge impact on our marriages, and that we need to focus on the type of joy that God wants us to cultivate in our marriages.
Here is a link to last week's newsletter in case you missed it: Part 3 of 6: Creating and Sustaining Biblical Joy In Marriage.
Up to this point, we've obviously talked a lot about the process of developing joy in our marriages, and how to prioritize joy over happiness.
But, maybe you've been reading this series thinking, "This joy stuff sounds nice, but you clearly don't know what I'm dealing with right now."
Maybe your marriage is hanging on by a thread.
Maybe you're facing betrayal, addiction, mental illness, financial stress, career pressures or grief that feels like it might swallow you whole.
If that's you, please know that I see you.
And I want you to know that everything we've talked about in this series so far is not meant to make you feel like you have to pretend that your pain doesn't exist.
When Jesus heard that His friend Lazarus had died, as discussed in John 11:14, do you know what He did?
He wept.
Right there in front of everyone.
The Son of God, who knew He was about to raise Lazarus from the dead, still grieved deeply over the loss of his friend (John 11:35).
Don't miss that important detail.
Even though Jesus knew the ending, He didn't skip over the sorrow.
The Bible never asks us to fake happiness when our hearts are breaking.
In fact, it gives us an entire book, The Book of Lamentations, which is basically one long, honest cry to God, which talks about how terrible things can be.
David wrote psalm after psalm about feeling abandoned, betrayed, and overwhelmed.
These aren't exactly "positive thinking" kinds of prayers.
What I hope to get across to you is that biblical joy and genuine pain can exist in the same heart at the same time.
You can grieve deeply while still believing in God's promises.
You can acknowledge that your marriage is in crisis, while also believing that God is not done writing your story.
So if you're in a season where joy feels impossible, hear me out.
We're going to talk about what it looks like to find glimmers of hope in the darkness, and why sometimes the deepest joy not only comes despite our struggles, but it also comes right in the middle of our struggles.
The Difference Between Joy and Toxic Positivity
Biblical joy is not toxic positivity dressed up in Christian language.
Toxic positivity says, "Everything happens for a reason! Just pray harder!"
But biblical joy says, "This is awful, and God can handle your raw, true feelings about it."
There's a reason that the Psalms are full of David basically yelling at God - He included those prayers in the Bible for good reason.
Healthy vs. Unhealthy Responses to Pain
A healthy response to pain acknowledges the pain, brings it to God, and takes appropriate action.
An unhealthy response to pain, though, either pretends the pain doesn't exist or lets it consume everything without seeking help.
When Paul wrote about being "sorrowful, yet always rejoicing" in 2 Corinthians 6:10, he wasn't faking happiness.
He was showing us that deep grief and deep hope can coexist.
When to Get Professional Help
If you're dealing with abuse, addiction, infidelity, or severe mental health issues, biblical joy does NOT mean "just pray about it."
God gives us counselors, therapists, and medical professionals for a reason.
Seeking help isn't a lack of faith - it is an expression of your wisdom.
Proverbs 15:22 says plans fail without counsel, but with many advisers they succeed.
I also want to add that the bible never asks us to remain in any space, including a marriage, in which we are being abused in any way.
If you are in an abusive environment, please remove yourself as soon as you can, and get to a safe place where you can receive help and protection.
1 Corinthians 13:4 begins with the words, "Love is patient, love is kind" (NIV).
There is nothing kind about abuse.
The Role of Grief inside of Joy
Grief is not the opposite of joy. it's actually a part of joy.
When we bring our honest pain to God, we are trusting Him enough to be real with Him.
Ecclesiastes 3:4 tells us that there is "a time to weep and a time to laugh" (NIV).
Biblical joy allows for both weeping and laughing.
When we say to the Lord, "This hurts, and I'm bringing it to You because I believe that You care," that is not giving up on joy. That is actually how we find it again.
Finding Hope in the Journey Towards Healing
There is clearly a focus on restoration in the Bible.
Isaiah 61:3 talks about God giving us "beauty for ashes, the oil of joy for mourning" (NKJV).
God does not think that your broken marriage is a lost cause.
Joel 2:25 promises that God will "restore the years the swarming locust has eaten" (NKJV).
Even when it feels like irreparable damage has been done that can't be undone, God specializes in making things new again.
That doesn't mean that He erases the past, but He has the ability to bring good from even the worst situations.
Supporting Each Other Through Growth
When one of you is healing, it is so tempting for the other spouse to either become the fix everything person, or to get frustrated with how long the process is taking.
But, please remember that you are NOT each other's savior.
Galatians 6:2 says to "carry each other's burdens," but that doesn't mean carrying them alone.
Sometimes the most loving thing you can do is to sit with your spouse in their pain without trying to solve it.
You may just be led to gently encourage them to take the next step, even when it's hard.
Growth does not happen in a perfectly straight line, and it rarely happens fast.
There will be good days, and there will definitely be setbacks.
Ephesians 4:32 reminds us to "be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other, just as in Christ God forgave you" (NIV).
This is DAILY work, not a one-time decision.
Why You Need Community
It is very tempting to hide when your marriage is struggling.
But Ecclesiastes 4:12 says "a cord of three strands is not quickly broken" (NIV).
You need people around you who will pray for you, speak the truth to you, and remind you of God's faithfulness when you can't see it yourself.
A good church community doesn't just show up for the pretty moments. They show up for the messy ones, too.
James 5:16 talks about confessing our struggles to one another so that we can pray for each other and find healing.
You don't have to carry your struggles alone.
Sometimes community might look like a trusted counselor; sometimes it's a small group at church that knows your story, or it could be a married couple who's been through something similar and can offer hope to reassure you that you really can make it through this.
The healing journey isn't about getting back to where you were.
It's about becoming who God intended you to be all along.
Baby Steps Towards Joy
God celebrates tiny victories.
Zechariah 4:10 asks, "Who dares despise the day of small things?" (NIV).
When you choose to have a civil conversation instead of a fight; when you pray together for the first time in months; when you decide to go to counseling - God sees all of that.
He's not waiting for you to have a perfect marriage before He starts celebrating.
We live in an all or nothing culture, where progress doesn't count unless it's dramatic.
But healing happens in small, ordinary moments.
Maybe, for you, it happens when your spouse actually listens when you share something hard.
Maybe it's you choosing to assume good intentions instead of assuming the worst, like you used to do all the time.
Maybe it's just making it through a difficult conversation without walking away.
All of those moments matter.
They are NOT insignificant steps towards the real healing.
They are what actual healing looks and feels like.
Finding God in the Valley
David wrote Psalm 23 about walking through the valley of the shadow of death, and do you know what he discovered there?
He discovered that God was with him.
Not waiting for him at the end of the valley, but right there in the middle of the darkness.
Sometimes the valley is where we learn to REALLY depend on God.
Habakkuk 3:17-18 says "Though the fig tree does not bud and there are no grapes on the vines... yet I will rejoice in the Lord, I will be joyful in God my Savior" (NIV).
That is not denial. That is radical hope.
When you feel like you are in a valley in your marriage, God isn't absent.
He is doing some of His most profound work in you and in your relationship, even when you can't see it yet.
Hope for the Future
God is really good at writing comeback stories.
Isaiah 43:19 says, "See, I am doing a new thing! Now it springs up; do you not perceive it?" (NIV).
Even when everything feels stuck or broken, God is ALWAYS working on something new.
That doesn't mean that your marriage will look exactly like you dreamed it would look.
But Jeremiah 29:11 reminds us that God has plans for us - plans for hope and a future.
And Philippians 1:6 promises that "he who began a good work in you will carry it on to completion" (NIV).
Your story isn't over.
Even through the struggles in the hardest seasons in your life, God is writing something beautiful and useful.
What To Do When You're In Different Places
Being in a situation where one of you is ready to move forward, but the other spouse is still stuck in the pain, might be the hardest part of walking through difficult seasons together.
Maybe you've forgiven your spouse and you're trying to move past a difficult situation, but your spouse is still angry.
Maybe they're ready to work on things, but you're not sure you can trust again just yet.
Maybe one of you has found hope, and the other spouse is still in the valley.
This is VERY normal, and also VERY hard.
If you're the one who's further along in the healing process, it's tempting to get frustrated.
You might want to say something like, "Why can't you just get over this already?"
But Romans 15:1 reminds us that "we who are strong ought to bear with the failings of the weak and not to please ourselves" (NIV).
That's not calling anyone weak - it's recognizing that we all heal at different speeds.
Your job isn't to drag your spouse along the journey faster.
Your job is to be patient, to keep doing your own work, and to create the space for them to heal at their own pace.
Here is a reminder about love. 1 Corinthians 13:4 says love is patient - and patience means that you aren't putting a timeline on someone else's heart.
If you're the one who's struggling more, it's easy to feel guilty or broken or feel like you're holding everything back.
But Psalm 34:18 says "the Lord is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit" (NIV).
God is not frustrated with your pace.
He is alway near you in your pain.
You don't have to pretend to be further along than you really are in your healing process in order to make your spouse feel better.
But you can and should take small steps towards healing, even when it feels impossible.
Sometimes the most loving thing you can do is to be honest about where you are while staying open to where God might take you.
Ephesians 4:2 tells us to "Be completely humble and gentle; be patient, bearing with one another in love" (NIV).
This verse is for BOTH of you.
For the one who's struggling and needs patience.
For the one who's further along and needs humility.
And you BOTH need gentleness.
Remember, you're not racing to a finish line.
You're learning to walk together, even when your steps don't match.
Action Steps For This Week
If you are in a difficult season in your marriage, remember that the Lord is with you always.
He will always do His part, and we must do our part as well, even when it feels hard.
Here are 2 simple things you can do this week in order to move forward on your healing journey: 1) Identify what type of support your marriage needs right now, and 2) practice one small act of kindness towards your spouse.
Next week, we will continue to explore how looking at life through the lens of joy can have profound consequences in your life.
Until next time,
Alicia