Why Some Marriages Fail
And What You Can Do About It Before It's Too Late
Have you ever watched a young couple grinning from ear to ear from pure joy on their wedding day, only to hear months later that they're struggling to keep their marriage together?
I have heard this scenario over and over, and it breaks my heart every time.
Why does this happen? What causes so many couples to go from living their best lives, to living a life of despair which ultimately causes the marriage to fail?
Well, one of the main reasons this happens is that couples take their eyes off the main goal of marriage, which is to bring glory to God.
And, instead, they start focusing on little things that don't matter in the larger scheme of life.
Yet these little things, which start as small irritations that build up between husbands and wives - like maybe you don't like the way your spouse folds clothes; or you don't enjoy the way your spouse cooks a certain dish - can build up over time, like weeds in a marriage, and can end up literally choking the life out of the marriage.
Consider how weeds work.
They grow in your lawn or garden slowly at first, but if not addressed quickly and completely by removing their roots, the weeds can overtake the lawn or garden, and completely kill the once beautiful plants that used to exist.
It's interesting to note that the Bible mentions weeds, and uses the growth of plants and trees several times in the Bible, as metaphors to describe God's provision for and spiritual growth of his people.
Beginning in the book of Genesis, there was a description of the Garden of Eden, and how it was the perfect protected place for God's people to be nourished and well cared for.
And in the middle of the Garden of Eden, there was ONE tree that God told Adam and Eve NOT to eat from. Unfortunately, they did not obey God, and we all know how that turned out.
Then in Psalm 1:3 we see a blessed man being compared to a tree planted by streams of water that yields fruit in its season. In Luke 17:6, we see faith being compared to a grain of mustard seed. Mustard seeds are one of the smallest seeds on earth.
The Bible is full of so much wisdom that can be applied to any area of our lives, including marriage. So comparing marriage to the growth cycle of trees piqued my interest, and aligns with Biblical teaching.
Trees are fascinating, and a perfect metaphor for marriage, because they grow in two different ways. Their roots grow downward through a process called gravitropism, and they fight against gravity in the dark soil, which is not visible to anyone.
Meanwhile, their leaves and branches grow upward through another process called phototropism, reaching toward the sunlight in a beautiful display that everyone can see, admire and benefit from.
Just like these trees, marriages need both types of growth—but many couples want to skip the hard, unseen work and jump straight to the picture-perfect moments.
Here are just a few devastating problems that can develop when couples avoid the "root growth" phase of their marriage:
First, their foundation becomes unstable. Just as a tree with shallow roots can be blown over by strong winds, marriages which lack deep emotional and spiritual connections, often crumble when faced with life's storms.
Some couples spend their entire courtship planning the perfect wedding, but don't spend enough time discussing their values, financial goals, or how they plan to handle disagreements. And when the first major conflict comes around, they realize that they don't have the proper roots to hold them steady.
Second, they develop surface-level communication. They mostly discuss the day-to-day mechanics of running a household, like who is going to the grocery store, or going to pick up the clothes from the dry cleaner.
But they end up avoiding the deeper conversations about their fears, dreams, and hurts. They become like a tree trying to grow beautiful leaves while its roots are actually withering underground.
Third, they miss the opportunity for genuine intimacy. In Ecclesiastes 4:12, we read that "a cord of three strands is not quickly broken." This verse reminds us that true intimacy in marriage involves both spouses plus God, creating a bond that grows stronger through shared struggles.
When couples rush to create a picture-perfect marriage, they often don't even realize that they are leaving God out of the equation.
But here's where hope comes in: when couples are willing to embrace the challenging "root growth" phase of their marriage, and lean on the Holy Spirit for ever-present help, they experience amazing benefits that can transform their relationship:
First, they develop an unshakeable, unwavering trust. Like a tree's root system that grows stronger through resistance, husbands and wives that weather early challenges together develop a deep trust that can't be easily broken.
I've watched couples who fought through financial hardships, health crises, or family conflicts come through on the other side of their battles with a bond that truly reflects God's glory.
Second, they learn what genuine forgiveness really means. Working through challenges builds emotional and spiritual maturity. And spiritual maturity is what allows us to learn how to truly forgive—not just sweep things under the rug.
As Colossians 3:13 instructs us, "Bearing with one another and, if one has a complaint against another, forgiving each other; as the Lord has forgiven you, so you also must forgive" (ESV). True forgiveness becomes easier over time.
Third, they create a legacy of love that impacts generations, which is the goal of marriage. A mature tree doesn't just display beautiful leaves or flowers—it provides shelter, bears fruit, and creates an entire ecosystem that nurtures other life.
Similarly, marriages that have grown through both gravitropic and phototropic phases become living testimonies of God's faithfulness, inspiring their children, friends, and community.
My husband, Michael and I, have seen this transformation in our own marriage. Those early years of struggle, when we were growing our roots while working through conflicts and challenges, laid the foundation for the joy and peace we experience today, over 30 years later.
Now, like a tree displaying its summer greenery, our marriage is shining with true beauty because we have strong roots anchoring us in God's love.
If you are struggling with the "root growth" phase of your marriage, or feel pressured to present a perfect image to the world while dealing with internal conflicts, please know that you're not alone.
There is hope for you within the truth of God's word. As each of you grows closer to Christ, you WILL see improvements in your marriage.
In John 16:33, Jesus said "I have said these things to you, that in me you may have peace. In the world you will have tribulation. But take heart; I have overcome the world" (ESV). The key to a strong root system in your marriage lies in the person and work of Jesus Christ.
Don't let another day pass without investing in your marriage's root system.
